expletive delete

I have to admit, I "liked" alven and Jennyang in the past was solely because: they were nice to me. Nothing else, just purely nice and caring to me. And can you believe it, that's their resemblance to Paul. Seriously, even though I thought I liked them, I did not really have super duper strong feelings for them. It's just like, nothing talk then sua, got things to talk then text me kinda attitude? So, considered that they two were just misconceptions?

Okay so if I label the two of them as misconceptions, this means I'm currently still stuck in the past, which is 2 years ago. Okay la actually I assumed that already. But I'm just making it miserable for myself, ain't I? Okay now to make things more complicated, Paul knows I like him now. -.- I don't care, he just have to forget that fact, if not whenever I talk to him I'll be reminded that I've held on for two fucking years, giving up all the chances that were put in front of me [darren, ruijie] and I would feel damn guilty for the two of them.It's not that I thought they were not up to standard or anything, there's just this barrier that I can't seem to cross.

There's no such thing as best guy-friend or best girl-friend. Coz one of you would fall for the other.

Yeah I totally agree. Opposite genders are not meant to be best friends. No matter how hard they try, one of them surely would not be able to resist. And that's me. Two years and I'm still not over it.

Great weather, great you, great friends, inferior me.

Never ever like or even fall in love with your close/best friend. It's a taboo.

Yesterday went for kbox with kunda, ngxinyi, jingxuan, amanlia, ray and paul. Chinese songs were all played first, I don't dare to sing LOL. Well, most of them are songs that I've not heard of! After that English songs came on. Okay so I was forced to sing "Back to December" by the great AmanliaToh, okay nevermind. But then duet with PaulAng? My first thought was "cb, gg.com" Seriously! It was so awkward! But in the end, I had a lot of fun!

After singing til 7pm, we went to BPP for dinner! Kunda left early at 5.30 though. :/, and amanlia had to go home for dinner. The rest of us then went to Naked Fish Express for dinner! As usual, I can't finish mine and as usual, Paul finished it for me HAHAHA.After that, Ray said he wanted BBQ Express. I was like wtf? After baked rice he could still eat more! After that Paul went to buy bubble tea at this very lousy store. Okay anyway, we went to Mac to sit for a while afterwards, then decided to head over to my house. My house a bit fail la, no chips no drinks no nothing, dust and rubbish a lot only LOL. Had lots of fun! First time staying up til 2+am talking with them! We gossiped alot alot, HAHAHA and Paul said he realised girls' gossiping session very powerful, can gossip until morning. He first time gossip with girls I think LOL! After that, nothing to gossip alrady.. Then we played Truth or Dare! Okay I spilled many things out, that bloody Paul there keep amchio. [Cause everything asked have something to do with him and he knows it] But in the end, I made cjy the scapegoat HAHA!

A fun fun day with my senior, dunno when can meet them again! :/ A day worth remembering! ;D

Procrastinating because I can't bear to move on and leave everything behind.

Back to blogging after so long.

Woke up at 0915 today because there's Physics class at 1030, if not it's impossible for me to wake up that early.

Went to school with somehow an empty mind. Reached school, Belinda kinda confronted me, asking why hadn't I reply to her text and tweet. Saw someone in the canteen with a similar back as Ray, but it turned out to be Paul and I got all tensed up in a second. He's with Amanlia and Amanda, supposedly having a camp meeting. Went over to Amanlia to hand up my camp form and the 30 bucks, tried hard to avoid eye contact with Paul.

At 1030, went up to class together with Bel, Amanlia, LayTeng, YinYing cutting through the foyer. Saw Bridget on the way, my heart felt tingly. Somehow I don't feel comfortable to see the couple in school today. What's more, I saw them separately. Imagine if I were to see them together, I think I can die right on the spot.

After class, Bel went to LotOne with ShiMin&Co, I went home alone. Lonelygirl96 you can say.

A few days back, you said you already known from the start that I no longer treat you as my best friend anymore. To tell the truth, I didn't expect you to have seen my tweet. One side of me was glad, that I'm actually starting to create a distance between you and me, on the other hand I was sorry to have you feel that you're about to lose a best friend. I have reasons for giving you cold replies, giving you hot and cold treatment. I'm starting to treat you coldly, is because I'm learning to realise where I actually stand. I cannot give you the same treatment and concern as before anymore. You apologised for neglecting me, your best friend. Please don't ever apologise again. You haven't done anything wrong, I was the one who took everything for granted.

Anyway, thank you for being in my life. Although the memories you've given me may not be flawless and happy but they were precious. A best friend is not something easy to get, and many people do not even have one in their entire lives. God made me survive in this god damned situation where I was not allowed to have a blissful family, but at least He was fair. He gave me a fucking good friend named Paul, where our friendship is much envied by others.

boreddieme

fucking bored at home. texting with best friend, but he's talking in his own alien language which I don't understand, forget it la.

Sian la, nobody free to come out. Or rather, no one that I asked has the plans to come out slack. Hais, me life so pathetic.

I guess I was wrong all along.

I need to become a lesbian to continue being best friends with you.

So.. I was wrong all along. I really feel fucking sore to be replaced, until now. I'm not sure whether that's the truth, but yeah. You told me that so I'll just believe what you said. But seriously, you didn't continue the convo, I felt sore. I was happy when I sat beside you just now, LOL. Okay I may sound like a pedo but that's the truth. :/

But on the other hand, I think I don't like you too. I can't be such a bloody bitch to like someone who already has a girlfr and yet like I someone else at the same time right? Like seriously, unacceptable of myself!

Anyway, its either I 吃回头草 or I'm just temporarily confused by all these.

P.S. I think I still remembered what happened 2 years ago.

You won't talk to your ex about your current one, and vice versa.

A part of me left with you.

Many tweets on twitter reminded me of you. So yeah, I'm trying hard and apparently it's taking effect but just as slow as a tortoise.

O'level Chinese just in 15 days' time but it's not sinking into me yet. Totally unfair to have exams once more when everyone else is enjoying their holidays. -_-

Texted a childish little kid yesterday. He was really, extremely childish, resulting in me in a loss for words. How could you be so cute! HAHA!

There's no such thing as best guy-friend or best girl-friend. Coz one of you would fall for the other.

記憶的墳墓

Hate going to SAFRA for training. Like so freaking far? Anyway, gonna skip it tomorrow.


Today best friend coming back from Kuwait. Or maybe he's already back. But, the thing is he didn't even tell me he's going overseas for competition; I heard from other people. He also doesn't tell me anything now. Like seriously, friendship gonna end?


And for him, the plan to talk to him and become close friends again like in the past totally failed. I think he became a gay. Officially. And I'm ashamed of that. Sorry for being mean, but seriously.


You brushed past me too fast; I failed to noticed you. 

Thrown into turmoil.

Hihi. Now typing with sore arms, overdose of basketball yesterday.

Officially going for my first NYT training on Monday with Sean and co. Boring shit. I don't feel like going at all. I don't feel like seeing him. GAHH.

Saw him at the school gate on Wednesday. He waved and said hi, I pretended to not know him and at the same time my heart flipped. Literally.

It's not a good thing to have a flipping feeling. it just reminds me of the 7-month age gap we have, or simply 1 year. The gap right there is no joke okay. It kills.

I know my limits.

Back after like 1+ months!

Only left with like about 2 months til o'level chinese paper and 3 weeks till EOY! Gonna mug like I've never mugged before. x.x

Anyway, life has been back on track for a few days, but shooting is going down down down down down. No more feel for it! :/ Have to train at some place so far away, plus have to see your face. -.- Same question once again: Can you tell me when you going for training uh? I dw see your face leh.

Waiting for Mom to come back in a few days' time. It's just 4 more days yay! I want my albums albums albums~

These few days I'm not having anymore dreams. D: Last week I was still dreaming about him and others. Weird, but still interesting! Seriously extraordinary dreams that CERTAINLY won't happen in real life. But I really had great times in my dreams. :DD

OH YEAH. I got into NYT. Yoohoo! But the sad thing is, they're going to review our scores on a regular basis and kick us out if we're not good. _|_ might as well don't recruit us in the first place right? -.- Well I think I'm gonna be the first to be kicked out.

Looking forward to intensive during the Dec hols, especially 3-5 Nov. It's gonna be so much fun! :D

Shooting camp gonna be from 30Nov-2Dec. On the twins and Shavon's birthday! How how! How celebrate! Apparently I seem more excited than they do. :P

I know my limits. If it's not meant to happen, it certainly won't take place no matter what. 7 months are not there for nothing, no matter how I try to oversee it, it will still be there. Well, be happy for me that finally I'm able to let go~! (: Anyways, looking forward to texting you more and more, going back to how we used to be in the past. ;)

A walk down memory lane

I remembered the time I went to ask Mom how to prepare a prawn dish, I remembered the time I watched Homecoming, I remembered the time I studied for Mid Year Examinations because you told me to, I remembered the time I abstained from alcohol, I remembered the time I aced my Physics paper, I remembered the times we gossiped like old aunties, I remembered the times we had heart to heart chats, I remembered the times you motivated me to go to school. I remembered everything, but do you?

The most painful thing is not losing the one you love, but losing yourself in the process of loving someone. The game. I lost. are you happy now? I found out many things recently, I feel like sharing them with you. But I find that using someone to bridge the conversation between us is pathetic. I rather continue ruining myself like that than have you listen to me talk perfunctorily. 

No one

When I'm sad, no one understands why. When I'm happy, there's no one to share it with. When I'm hurt, no one seems to notice. When I'm gone, everything remains status quo.

Love? Hah don't make me laugh. I don't need love to survive. Like I always said, I'm good all alone.

Survival Instinct.

Received a message from Sean Chua today early in the morning at 8, thought results are out but it turned out to be something else. Couldn't sleep until 12pm, the message got me thinking. Got called up at 1.30pm, ran down to mac to meet enghong and david. at 4, met up with bel and meijin, did homework until 6. Cooked my own dinner, scalded my hand. I guess that's all for today.

Yeah, hand scalded, so? I'm still all fine and good. Let's just stay status quo. I living fine now, I don't need a change. Leave quickly before my heart turns and hold on to you again.

I'm good all alone.

School was not bad today. Partly because there's no Amath class. Emath class relieved by David Chang, supposed to have class test but David Chang said he would go tell Gwen Huang whole class didn't bring calculator so never take class test. (Y) good one. Got sent out of class during POA, first lesson of the day, nice experience. Shooting after school, no mood at all. Thrown many cards but I don't really care.

Reached home at about 7, went out again at 8. Started having some funny psychological (?) problem, no mood go school again. Did some homework, preparing myself to get killed by Mr Kok tomorrow. He gave me the -.- look and black face today again. Seriously, I don't feel like giving him a letter of absence tomorrow. Why do we have to account to the school for our absence? What's the point, other than the school trying to stalk our lives.

Anyway, I'm quite looking forward to the end of the year. I wanna know whether i'm gonna move to somewhere far, whether I have to transfer school, whether I can just end all these for once and for all.

Nice question asked. Why, since March until now? And, it's not that I can't, it's just that I'm not willing to. 

You left.

The person who used to know me the best. Gone. And I'm not sure what I've done that resulted in this.

Sometimes I wonder, do I have a best friend, or maybe even a close friend? Close enough to be able to read my thoughts, understand how I feel  and able to understand the reasons behind all my actions. I don't think so.

Skipped school today, Mom thought there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong at all, I've resented school all along, Mom knows that. I don't mind doing homework you know? I don't mind mugging for exams til late at night. BUT I HATE SCHOOL. I hate going to school. I hate spending so many hours in school. I wanna stay at home. I wanna recollect the good memories of my family from five years ago. For five years, I lived while pretending to not know anything, trying to tell myself, it's okay to not live with Dad, it's okay that Mom doesn't come home at times. I want homeschooling. I wanna stay home with Mom.

I wished that I could tell all this to someone real and not to a blog, but who? You're gone.

Screwed up life.

Back after six long months.
Life was not easy, juggling with studies, shooting, and many many other problems in hand.

I keep telling myself to get my long due homework done but I guess it's not easy to persuade myself. Even though I'm always bored, I'm not bored enough to go do my homework. I'm having a hard time in shooting too. Most probably got into NYT, but I don't want to accept the offer now. Being sandwiched in between friends is not a very good feeling, plus I would see people that I don't wanna see there. So, no point.

Despite all these, problems keep popping out one by one. Shavon went to band, leaving me all alone in the range, but I guess that wasn't exactly her fault. Now, Ray kept saying that I have no friends or whatsoever. Like as if I give a damn? What's the point of having so many friends? Will they all be there when you need help? NO. Maybe even your closest friend won't be there for you. You only have yourself to rely on. But, I don't even trust myself these days.

Because of you, I'm having a hard time. But I guess everything will end at the end of this year. Hopefully.

Life doesn't make any sense

Life doesn't make any sense, at least, mine don't. We kids study for like close to 20 years in our live, strive to get a good job and earn lots of money. Why do we study hard? So that we can earn big bucks in the future. What do adults work hard in their jobs for? For money. Everything revolves around money. We live only for one purpose - money. Worth it? NOT AT ALL.

1st post of 2011

2011. Full of negative stuff. Stress, competition, homework, personal stuff. My life now only revolves around school, homework, and sleep. I don't give much attention to my computer now, studies are my priority. I don't even wanna spend time shooting anymore. Seriously it's irritating.

Alot of things happened in school, friendships, relationships and more. They're all getting on my nerves. I've turned even more short-tempered now, not sure why. Alot of people also have fallen sick, including me.

Anyway, stay healthy everyone.