A walk down memory lane

I remembered the time I went to ask Mom how to prepare a prawn dish, I remembered the time I watched Homecoming, I remembered the time I studied for Mid Year Examinations because you told me to, I remembered the time I abstained from alcohol, I remembered the time I aced my Physics paper, I remembered the times we gossiped like old aunties, I remembered the times we had heart to heart chats, I remembered the times you motivated me to go to school. I remembered everything, but do you?

The most painful thing is not losing the one you love, but losing yourself in the process of loving someone. The game. I lost. are you happy now? I found out many things recently, I feel like sharing them with you. But I find that using someone to bridge the conversation between us is pathetic. I rather continue ruining myself like that than have you listen to me talk perfunctorily. 

No one

When I'm sad, no one understands why. When I'm happy, there's no one to share it with. When I'm hurt, no one seems to notice. When I'm gone, everything remains status quo.

Love? Hah don't make me laugh. I don't need love to survive. Like I always said, I'm good all alone.

Survival Instinct.

Received a message from Sean Chua today early in the morning at 8, thought results are out but it turned out to be something else. Couldn't sleep until 12pm, the message got me thinking. Got called up at 1.30pm, ran down to mac to meet enghong and david. at 4, met up with bel and meijin, did homework until 6. Cooked my own dinner, scalded my hand. I guess that's all for today.

Yeah, hand scalded, so? I'm still all fine and good. Let's just stay status quo. I living fine now, I don't need a change. Leave quickly before my heart turns and hold on to you again.

I'm good all alone.

School was not bad today. Partly because there's no Amath class. Emath class relieved by David Chang, supposed to have class test but David Chang said he would go tell Gwen Huang whole class didn't bring calculator so never take class test. (Y) good one. Got sent out of class during POA, first lesson of the day, nice experience. Shooting after school, no mood at all. Thrown many cards but I don't really care.

Reached home at about 7, went out again at 8. Started having some funny psychological (?) problem, no mood go school again. Did some homework, preparing myself to get killed by Mr Kok tomorrow. He gave me the -.- look and black face today again. Seriously, I don't feel like giving him a letter of absence tomorrow. Why do we have to account to the school for our absence? What's the point, other than the school trying to stalk our lives.

Anyway, I'm quite looking forward to the end of the year. I wanna know whether i'm gonna move to somewhere far, whether I have to transfer school, whether I can just end all these for once and for all.

Nice question asked. Why, since March until now? And, it's not that I can't, it's just that I'm not willing to. 

You left.

The person who used to know me the best. Gone. And I'm not sure what I've done that resulted in this.

Sometimes I wonder, do I have a best friend, or maybe even a close friend? Close enough to be able to read my thoughts, understand how I feel  and able to understand the reasons behind all my actions. I don't think so.

Skipped school today, Mom thought there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong at all, I've resented school all along, Mom knows that. I don't mind doing homework you know? I don't mind mugging for exams til late at night. BUT I HATE SCHOOL. I hate going to school. I hate spending so many hours in school. I wanna stay at home. I wanna recollect the good memories of my family from five years ago. For five years, I lived while pretending to not know anything, trying to tell myself, it's okay to not live with Dad, it's okay that Mom doesn't come home at times. I want homeschooling. I wanna stay home with Mom.

I wished that I could tell all this to someone real and not to a blog, but who? You're gone.

Screwed up life.

Back after six long months.
Life was not easy, juggling with studies, shooting, and many many other problems in hand.

I keep telling myself to get my long due homework done but I guess it's not easy to persuade myself. Even though I'm always bored, I'm not bored enough to go do my homework. I'm having a hard time in shooting too. Most probably got into NYT, but I don't want to accept the offer now. Being sandwiched in between friends is not a very good feeling, plus I would see people that I don't wanna see there. So, no point.

Despite all these, problems keep popping out one by one. Shavon went to band, leaving me all alone in the range, but I guess that wasn't exactly her fault. Now, Ray kept saying that I have no friends or whatsoever. Like as if I give a damn? What's the point of having so many friends? Will they all be there when you need help? NO. Maybe even your closest friend won't be there for you. You only have yourself to rely on. But, I don't even trust myself these days.

Because of you, I'm having a hard time. But I guess everything will end at the end of this year. Hopefully.